I was doing it wrong
Well here I am talking about editing again. I am very good at telling, still working on showing.
I recently posted about editing chapter 1 & 2 of Out of the Blue and then I posted an excerpt from those revisions. I received my score cards from a contest and actually got a chance to study them after I drafted my last Teaser Tuesday. Research followed so here I am yet again after major changes sharing the same excerpt. What do you think? Am I getting better at showing?
Out of the Blue
Chapter One-Friday, November 14, 2014
Callisto slips through the currents as graceful as a ballerina, twirling and gliding around obstacles in her path as she makes her way to an unfamiliar beach. Knots of eagerness have afflicted her through her whole journey thus far. Her anticipation for a better life somewhere away from the pod propels her forward.
Upon waking that morning from a sleep plagued with insomnia, Callisto sensed a change in her. Her home seemed even more soiled than normal by the way of life of her people. She felt only disgust for it and them. She needed to start her new life to escape even if it meant giving up life as a mermaid to do it. Her mother’s impatient urging once she heard of Callisto’s decision sealed her fate. Her father’s departure to another pod for business provided the perfect opportunity for her to slip away unnoticed. He fought against the idea of any ever leaving.
All the youths of age from her people must choose to stay or leave, for girls a decision by twenty-two moons, for boys a decision by twenty. Her decision to leave today seemed planned by destiny for only a short time remained before her twenty-second birth moon rose. It approached her rapidly riding on the wings of possibility.
She stumbles up onto the beach looking more like a drunkard than a ballerina. Her legs still weakened and trembling from her transformation. To steady herself, she reaches out to grab one of the posts from the pier but misses. Her unsteady legs give out under her weight crashing her into the sand where she lays face down until she finally gains enough strength to roll over. She stares up at the moon wishing on it for what feels like an eternity wondering if it will keep her secret.
The light from her only witness to her true-identity becomes blocked. It takes her a moment to focus on the obstruction that blocked her view. Surprise overwhelms her when she makes out the obstruction.
It’s a man!
She rises to her elbows and has to squint to get a better look at him. The moon backlights him making fine details impossible to extract at this angle. He appears large and imposing, which should inspire dread in her but instead kicks her female instincts into gear.
He seems just as startled by her as she is him. He inquires, “Are you okay?”
A nod is her only response.
“Do you need help?”
She shakes her head, causing her wet hair to fling around her.
He chuckles, “Well as long as you’re okay. I’ll leave you to your…adventurous swim.”